49, the new 30? WTF?

This month marked the monumental milestone that IS 40. Turning 40 was painful, but plannly inevitable. Sure the alternative is death, so with that in mind I eagerly accepted my elderly status and swallowed my Geritol like a big girl. The problem I have is solely with others who tried to "comfort" me with the gayest, trendiest comment circulating the halls, "40 is the new 30."

What the fuck? 40 is a number, not a concept. 40 can be documented by a birth certificate. 40 is non-negotiable. 40 comes after 39 and precedes 41. I didn't make the rules, some jackass with an abacus wearing a toga developed this formula and who am I to question it?

So if Im to be convinced "40 is the new 30" here are some other words of comfort, using the same conceptual idea:

*Small is the new Big - Men with miniscule penis' will be porn stars. Flat chested women will be sought after due to their sexy aerodynamics and lack of grotesque curves.

*Rich is the new Poor - Porsches will be replaced by Pintos. Rolex watches will be regifted at Christmas and Timex watches will be the indicator of a successful sloth.

*Ignorant is the new Genius - High school drop outs will be issued honorary Doctorate degrees and will be permitted to perform surgery....stoned, of course, while wearing a concert tshirt and flip flops.

*Morbidly obese is the new Waif - Twinkie sales will skyrocket. A friend egg and a cup of peanut butter will be added to every Big Mac. Supersize is for pussies, "Super-de-douper-size" will require delivery by wheelbarrow.

*Flatulence is the new Pheromone - Pulling ones finger will become foreplay. Single women will maintain a diet of refried beans, kegged beer and broccoli in order to land a man.

*Body hair is the new Lingerie - G-strings will be braided pubic hair wrapped around the waist a few times.

Perhaps when Im 50 (the Lord willing) I'll be more receptive to their lame logic. By then I'll be wandering the streets, wearing a furry g-string and mumbling incoherently something about "Pull my finger you Timex wearing stallion and come eat this Big Mac off my back fat."