Men of Match, please accept my apology

Out of sheer curiosity I went into Match.com to check out my competition. I did the ol switch'a'roo and began searching through bios of women in my demographic. Holy shit, there are some really, really lame broads out there. I sat slumped in my chair realizing that I was now required to extend my condolences and apologize to those who I have publicly castrated.

For instance, I had no idea that 96% of single women are "fun and outgoing" while 92% "love to laugh." I personally cant stand to laugh. Laughing is highly over rated and those who enjoy it are more than likely medicated. These same dames claim to have "a great sense of humor" and "are not into drama." Are you kidding me? I THRIVE on drama. I create it every chance I get. I can turn a family reunion into a funeral after 4 shots of Jack and I've been known to make my own therapist cry a time or two.

These broads post glamour shots taken at the mall in 1994 with the ever so elegant pink boa draped across their shoulders. The filtered lens is evident as they almost look like they've been covered in Vaseline. If they're moms they quickly proclaim "my kids come first" however I have a feeling they'd sell Junior for a romp in the sack at the first opportunity. Little Ashley can be shipped to Dad's in a heartbeat if a free meal at Hometown Buffet is offered.

Everyone is searching for a man who is "honest and knows how to treat a lady." Honest? What the fuck? It's dating! Nobody is honest in dating. Hell, I tell men all the time that I have a sweet disposition and Im harmless. Those who know me know that's a line of shit. And Sister, let me tell you, NO MAN knows how to treat a lady! We're a collection of moody, PMS'ing, chemically altered members of the human race who should come equipped with a manual. The poor bastards have been trying to determine the treatment we should receive ever since Eve shoved the apple down Adam's throat by force.

So men of Match.com, allow me to humblly apologize for attacking your lack of creativity, your horrific grammar and your out dated photos. Your soul mate is on Match, hell I've seen her.

There is apparently not enough shoreline in this country to accommodate all the "long walks on the beach" that are happening daily. Internet dating is alive and well and the old adage "there's someone for everyone" is apparently true. I guess I'll go back to hitting on men in truck stops and tractor pulls to find my Romeo.